Friday, October 16, 2009


I sat curled up in the closet, my knees tucked up into my chest and my arms wrapped tightly around them. The more pain I felt, the tighter I clutched my knees to my chest, my fingernails digging into my skin, breaking it, hoping, with my blood, to make the hole stop throbbing, stop hurting, if only for a few minutes, a few seconds. The throb subsided, dulled, but didn’t go away. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks as another aching sob built deep in my chest, threatening to explode any second. The pressure built, higher and higher in my throat, the pain pushing its way to the surface, looking for a way out. My stomach tightened and convulsed as the sob broke surface, screaming out of my chest like a freight train, allowing the whole world to be privy to my most private pain, privy to the anguish that comes from losing something so dear to you that, when it goes, it takes a piece of your soul, and all of your heart, with it. As the last of my air escaped, my sob turned into a soft, pathetic whimper, like that of a dog sitting at the door when her Master leaves. Depleted of that life-giving substance, oxygen, my body and mind did that automatic thing: breathing. Air ripped through my mouth and down to my lungs, digging its wicked claws into the walls of my throat its entire way. A soft inward whine echoed up from the abyss of my chest just before my lungs were again filled to capacity and another sob burst forth, screaming my agony to the dark walls of the closet I had sheltered myself in.

Eventually, like always, numbness came. It worked its way up through my limbs, a sweet coolness working its way through my burning body. It started in my toes and feet, the furthest and therefore already dullest part of me. Its icy fingers began to massage their way up my ankles and calves next, pausing at my knees to work through the weakness there. I began to feel it work its way up my fingers next, cooling the burn that had been left by her fingers. It followed the paths that she used to trace up my arms, feeling nothing like her fingers’ tender caress. It moved its way up my thighs, chasing the paths her lips used to pursue on their way to my tender core, icing the burns left there. The ice flowed past my elbows, up my biceps, to my shoulders, still following her lips. Up my stomach and abs, along my ribs, over my breasts, it searched out the heart that was no longer there. Its icy fingers took a firm hold of my chest and continued their ascent, up my neck and along my chin, gently caressing my cheeks, my nose, playing gently through my hair. And finally, the face, her face, that had been haunting me since I’d stepped into that closet, was frosted over and replaced with the grey haze that meant that I was able to unwrap my arms from around my knees and stand again.

I stood, then, and let myself out. I went to stand in front of the sliding glass door. It was sunrise. I’d sat in there another full night, hiding from the memory of her, hiding from her face, from everything that reminded me of her. I sighed and returned my attention to the sunrise. It was ablaze with oranges and reds and yellows, fire working its way across the sky, flames dancing in the sunrise clouds, heralding a new day. The light was streaming in through the windows, the hopeful light of yet another day. A soft breeze was playing through the aspens that were planted in strategic locations in the sidewalk five stories below. A woman jogged past, dressed in the typical black spandex sweatpants with white stripes running down the sides, accompanied by a tight tank top that revealed far more of the silicone masses, that her stock-broker husband no doubt paid for with his far-too-large Christmas bonus, than was truly necessary for a morning jog. His bonus probably paid for that nose-job that she was sporting as well. I wondered briefly why she was running. I was sure that her husband could probably afford liposuction for her. She jogged around the corner, taking my brief distraction with her, and I was left to ponder the sun rising on yet another day.

I looked around my room, seeing and not seeing the faceless picture frames lining the walls, their emptiness a shadowy reflection of my soul. A soft rage suddenly erupted from somewhere deep inside of me and I found myself tearing the empty frames from their perches upon the wall. Her face stared up at me from the empty, shattered glass that littered the floor. Her eyes haunted me in my rage as I trampled the broken glass, pulling my hair and screaming at the top of my lungs, wordless screams of anguish. My unclad feet began to drip blood onto the glass, hiding the green that was staring up at me, making her flee from the pools of glass that lay strewn upon the floor.

I turned my attention back to the sunrise. Opening the door, I stepped out onto the balcony. A sunrise this beautiful might have once moved me to tears, but the numbness was as paralyzing as it was relieving. All and any emotion was gone. My life was devoid of meaning now. I climbed onto the railing and steadied myself. I waited for the nausea and vertigo that normally came with heights to come, but it didn’t. I looked down, gazing at the sidewalk five stories below. The wind swept up, catching my hair in its grasp, and making me wonder for the first time what it would be like to fly. I spread my arms, my wings, and allowed the warm morning breeze to wash over them. It had a warming effect on my numb body, breaking the ice that had just recently formed all over my body. Her face came back into focus, obscuring the view of the street and the sidewalk below.

My mind, so tattered and torn with grief, brought me back to our last morning together. We had been up most of the night before, making love, our bodies moving in perfect synchronicity throughout the night until they had finally arched in climax together leaving us sleeping peacefully in each others’ arms. Somehow, we’d still woken up with the sunrise, a blazing red and orange one, much like the one that I was staring at now. She had looked at me with a passionate fire burning in her eyes, softened by a tenderness in her cheeks, and told me that she loved me, that she wanted to stay with me forever. Our fingers entwined, I looked in her eyes and told her that nothing would make me happier. Our lips met then, our tongues entwining and our pulses racing as our bodies moved as one.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, finally allowing myself to succumb to my memories, the happy ones she and I had made during our time together. I held onto them, allowing them to cushion me as only her love could.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

The Strongest Element

A flickering Flame
Dances peacefully
Carving her delicate path
Through the walls of trees.
Scorching the grass
'Til it's black as night.
Destroying all that the Earth lays out before her.
For the mission of Fire
Is but to destroy Earth.
Her dance starts out
A peacefully slow waltz.
Structured, measured, predictable.
The Wind, the orchestra
For her ballet
The gentle voices
Singing and guiding
The rhythmic steps
She dances so expertly.
A crescendo and the tempo increases
The Wind swirling around her now.

Her steps quickening
A moderate tango now.
Underbrush laid bare
Charred, broken, smoldering.
The Earth's children begin
To sense the danger.
More real now with the tango
Than before
Another gust of Wind
The horns fire up
The percussion section
Kicks it into a higher gear
Fire begins to steps faster

Twirling, spinning
A quick, heart-pounding salsa now.
Trees fall before she even
Reaches them
Their great limbs kneeling
Before the power they
All know she possesses
Crackling, roaring, through the lands
She dances
Methodically destroying the Earth
Her nemesis
And then
The orchestra of her brother, the Wind

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

She pauses to see why
A mighty waterfall
Cascades gracefully
Into a shining, shimmering pool
Hundreds of feet below
Fire's steps slow
To a slow, weaving pattern
A more primal, tribal sway
She dances along the shores
Gazing upon the beauty
Of the ne'er-before-seen wonder
The spray from the gracefully falling water
Begins to gently caress
The Fire's reaching, grasping fingertips.

Fire's heart is cooled, calmed, soothed.
Her sway becomes even slower
As the calm overtakes her.
The orchestra begins again softly,
A gentle piano melody,
Accompanied by a soft harmony
Of violin and harp.
The new song is soft
A gentle lullaby
As Fire forgets her mission,
Enticed and lured to complete
Submission at the Water's edge.
She dances calmly for her Mistress,
Leaving for a moment
Her nemesis

The cascading falls
Wind their way through the pool
And continue along their path,
Carving out greater chucks of Earth
Than Fire ever dared imagine
Was possible.

Monday, October 5, 2009


Pain, spreading, seeping
All throughout my body
A dull ache rises
Becomes something more
Whips lashing, teeth biting
A scream pierces through the
Still night air
Hands bound
No way to stop it
Skin turning red
Blood vessels bursting
Black and blue
Are only two of the colors
Purple, red, gray, pink
Perfect belt lines
A tiger striped for all to see
A sudden stop
Belt replaced by lips, hands, hairs
Trailing along my back
Soft kisses, gentle blowing
Soothes the burning ache

My Religion

Worship, praise
My soul searching for the right answer
Black and white
Hot and cold
I gaze upon the Water
Shimmering, clear
Cool and life-giving
The Air, the Wind
Blows around me
I feel my spirit lift
The Earth beneath my feet
Gives me grounding
Something to hold on to
The Flame, flickering
Warms my soul
Her face between my hands
Fuels the passion within my heart
This is my divine
This is my religion.

Monday, September 7, 2009

I Kneel No More

Oppressing, bitter silence
Debris litter the floor
The remnants of any heart I ever had
Ripped, torn from my chest
Thrown on the floor
Stomped on for all to see
From cower to kneel
I bring myself off the floor
From kneel to stand
For I only kneel for my Mistress
A deep breath to center
I square my shoulders
And hold my head high
That which doesn't kill us
Makes us stronger
I will get through this
Through the darkness
I will find the light.

Friday, August 21, 2009


Debris litter the floor
The remains of what was my heart
Black and charred
I look upon the carnage with surpisingly little emotion
Stabbed, torn, broken, beaten, burnt, used
Tear-stained face, blood red eyes
Pain in some many different forms
When will it end?
Only I have the power to stop this torture
But that "power" is an illusion
The addictions I serve won't let me leave
Stuck here, suffering, needing to know for sure
Riding this roller coaster, up and down, then back up again
I have to see where it ends,
I have to see what's around the next bend
Perpetually stuck
The good moments are heaven on earth
The bad ones are damn near hell
Which ones will there be more of?
Have to finish the ride to find out.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


Rolling off in every direction
Awkward silence
Cheeks ablaze
Temper soaring
Head butting
Voice raising
Struggle for dominance
Who will win?


Lines drawn in the sand
Very clearly marked
Black and white
With shades of grey
Living in a box with blurred edges
Comfortable, safe, secure
Her voice whispering
Quiet words of encouragement
The grey is not to be feared
Rules, definitions
Who needs them?
We just are
Two people
Whose paths have crossed
Running parallel for now
A meandering stroll
Taking our time
Rushing no where
Simply enjoying each other
And living for the moment


Biting, scratching
Altruism fading fast
Rose's presence drains
Lily needs her time too
Inflicting pain brings pleasure
But receiving pain
Brings so much more
Nails dug into my back
Teeth digging into my arms and neck
Bruises, scratches, blood
The sadist slips below the surface
Allowing the masochist to rise
And bask in her full glory
Starving no more


A fury boils
Just beneath the surface
Taunting, testing
Pushing buttons, boundaries
The pressure builds
The anger grows
The final straw
Pushes her into
An eruption fierce enough
To shame a volcano
Her words burn like
Molten stone
Her tears sting like ash
Months of anger
Built upon years of anger
All flowing forth
With the fury of the lahar
As her fury subsides
We gaze upon the path of destruction
The sun will shine with blood
Come morning

Sunday, August 2, 2009


The need to rip, to tear
To shred
A desire so primal
So urgent
My nails digging into her skin
Her moans urging me on
Scratching won't fulfill
My dark desires
My teeth yearn for soft skin
It starts with a kiss
Just under her chin
My hands on her back
Pulling her closer
I bite hesitantly at first
Then, encouraged by her moans
I sink my teeth deeper
The sadist in my rears her head
Reveling in the pain she's inflicting
But pain isn't enought
To fill her need
Tonight, she's after blood.

Rain Driven Passion

Bite marks, scratches
Lips, tongues, teeth
The thunder rolls overhead
While the rain
Drips down through
The canopy of
The lush, emerald
Evergreen forest that surrounds us
Passions soaring
Control slipping
Sado-masochism at its peak
Moaning, groaning
The rain will lull us to sleep

My Mistress

The Mistress is calling
Urging me forward
Her sweet voice
Breaking through my panic
Pain is the distraction
That pushes me through
Nausea, not enough
To stop me
Keep going, you're fine
The muses whispering
Telling me the reward
Will be sweet
My Mistress' face
A beacon of hope
Don't panic, don't freeze
Just keep going
The top of the world
Is calling

Fire and wind (for Stacy)

The roaring wind
Whips the fire into a frenzy
The air is thick with smoke
Billowing around her head
Her heart beats faster, faster
Her need to destroy increases
She's looking for something
Wandering the forest
Leaving charred and burnt trees in her wake
The wind urges her on
Quietly whispering encouragement in her ear
Keep going, one foot in front of the other
I'll push you when you dwindle
Take my hand
Let me guide you to your goal
Let us wreak havoc

The Water's Surface

The shining surface draws you in
It's beauty calling to the depths of your soul
You walk towards her
Curious, is there more than meets the eye?
The rocks beneath your feet
Are wet and slick
But smooth from years of wear
Wade in up to your knees
The coolnes sending goosebumps
Rippling throught your body
Wade in further
Feet no longer touching bottom
Struggling to keep your head up
Caught in the undercurrent
Dragged beneath the shiny surface
To the darkest depths
Body wheeling out of control
Why continue fighting
When submission is so sweet


A winding path
A crooked road
Choices, chances, coincidences
The things that have brought us here
How things have changed in a year
Death always brings forth new life
From the ashes of my former self
I rise renewed
Stronger, smarter, more open to life
Her gentle hands guiding me
To each new discovery
Our paths running parallel
Taking one step at a time
Each day a new adventure
One foot in front of the other
Will bring us to
Wherever it is we're going

Dancing Water

A wild fire burning brightly
Devouring all in its path
The fire sprite dancing
Playfully leaving a path of destruction
She is met with a sparkling pool
The water sprite rises
And begins to dance
He body's movements mesmerize
The fire sprite is over taken
Her mind entranced
As the water slowly enfolds her
Who would have thought
Such beauty could lead to
Ultimate demise


The beauty of the stars
Shining brightly
Without the impediment
Of city lights and sounds
Pales next to the beauty
Of the one I hold in my arms
Her head resting comfortably on my chest
My arms wrapped tightly around her
Protecting, securing, holding
Face alight with
Child-like wonder
Eyes shining with enthusiasm for life
We hold each other
Til seet sleep comes
To carry us
To the world of dreams

Sunday, July 19, 2009


You walking away
The image is haunting me
Burned into the backs
Of my eyes
Can't escape it
You looked back once
And then kept walking away
My worst nightmare realized.
Don't let yourself fall.
Don't open yourself to pain
Trying to close the door
Too much pressing against it
So easy to hate
So easy to love
I have to escape
This hold on me
A pitbull's jaw
Not easily broken.
But still fighting
To keep my head above water.

Monday, July 13, 2009

A Fitting Analogy

Like a drug
I crave you
The intoxicating effects of your touch
Take me to places yet unknown.
Like any drug
A tolerance will be built
And the cravings will become more
A deep yearning
A desire so filling
It controls me
Much like you do.
It makes me do things
I wouldnn't normally do
Liquid courage, they call it
I'll say
No better name for it
The courage to live without regret
That's what it offered me
Glad I finally accepted
No turning back now
No turning back.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Beast Unleashed

Silence pressing around us
Not awkward, just peaceful
It all seemed like a good ide at the time.
The poison seeping through my veins
Makes it seem safe for the beast to be
Released. No thought of how to recapture
Her once she is loose.Just the thought of allowing her
To roam free, to wreak devastation
To leave her wake among the living
Blood, teeth, nails, tongues.
The cage open
The pent up animal running wild
So many years of oppression
To be set loose upon a friend
Carnal passions soaring
Animal instinct taking control
Take what isn't yours
Submit to the Mistress
Desire is all that matters,
Why not submit?
Why keep fighting
Last remnants of self control
Slipping quickly away.
Bodies moving as one,
The beast wreaking her havoc on the land
Chasing after her half heartedly
After all, who wants to stop the beast
She's too beautiful to keep locked away.
Her body entices all
The absolute carnal calling from the shadows of a society that doesn't embrace pleasure
Let alone pleasure derived from pain.
Stop. Stop. Stop.
I call desperately, knowing the effects of this will be felt for long
But the beast is in her element now.
There is no stopping her.
How to lock her away again,
How to repress the feelings that have been stirring under the surface for too long.
It's easy to say the poison made me do it
But what happens when the poison is out of my system

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Coming Out

The collective "they" say it's a lifelong process. I'm only just beginning to understand what this means. Everyday I think of another person, another two people, another group of people that I haven't told.

I have to keep reminding myself that this will all be worth it. When the tears come, I let them flow. But sometimes, I still find myself swallowing them, fighting them back. I try to be strong for the people who can't handle this. I still have so many fears, so many people that don't know, so many people that might hurt me when they find out.

I try to stand tall. I try to keep walking forward. But with each step comes so much pain that it nearly brings me to my knees. Going numb seems like a good option. Wake me up when all of this is over.

Sunday, May 17, 2009


Another face. Hers resembles mine so much I wish for nothing more than to smack it away. Her dull gray eyes mirroring mine, shape, color, all things match. I've run from this face my entire life, trying to hide my own likeness to it. Cutting my hair. Gaining weight. Caking on the makeup. All to no avail. Her eyes are my eyes. Her mouth is my mouth. Two shaky steps back, running from myself. Mirrors everywhere, her face in each one. Go away. I scream. Leave me alone. I want nothing more of you. You never wanted me. I reminded you of him. I reminded him of you. Neither parent wanting the child for the features of the other. Running from you my entire life, I face you now. Boldness. Courage. Certainty. It's myself in you that I have been running from. Not wanting to admit how much like you I am. Stumbling along the road to self discovery. Making huge mistakes. Trying to correct them. Unsuccessful. My own fear keeping me rooted to the spot. Trying to run with leaden feet. How to get away. How to get away. Come to me my daughter. She calls my name. Ellohcin. Ellohcin. Ellohcin. Where have you gone my Ellohcin. Come to me. Let me help. Her hair sways around me in the wind, wrapping me in its familiar scent. White sage purifies. Smudge sticks. Secrets pouring. Sweet escape.

A Burden. A Curse

Empathy. A curse. A burden somehow mine to bear. Photographic memory. The look of pain burned into my mind. To feel what everyone else around you is feeling and to worry more about them than about yourself. To never be able to forget. To not be able to escape. There must be some way, some way out of the darkness. A face, beautiful, beckoning. Hope. Light. Reaching, not being able to touch. Falling. Falling. Falling. Forever down. Forever stuck.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Always Running

The things we want the most are most often the things we cannot have. Learning this has been a long and hard journey for me. I tend to do this more often than not. Forbidden, taboo, banned, off-limits, impermissible, unattainable. These are the words I most often try to disprove. Putting restrictions on things make me want to break free. My own natural rebellion, fighting against everything that tries to hold me down.
Wings spreading, wind whipping, freedom calling. Running. Running. Running. Get away. Fight or flight. Fight or flight. Freeze, a third option is presented. Two is more than enough. A third had to be thrown in to complicate things further. Get out. Get out. Get out. Everything within me screams. Now. Now. NOW. Before it hurts even more.
Her face in front of me, coaxing me forward. Taunting. Teasing. I reach for her, taking her by the waist, pulling her close. Foreheads, noses, lips meet. Bodies pressed together, pulsing, grinding. Wanting. Needing. There is little difference anymore. Pushing away. Pulling back together. Pushing away. Pulling back together. The two halves of myself fighting for dominance. Ignoring the inner battle, I fight to stay in the moment. Kissing, licking, clutching, scratching. Sadism. Masochism. Pain. Pleasure. Blood. Moaning. Biting. Her clothes falling to the floor, mine following close behind. Ripped, torn from each others' bodies. Rushing to be free from the oppression of clothes. Our bodies press together, naked, exposed. Red blood running over white skin, making it whiter still. Sweet sweat, blood smeered. Pleasure derived from pain. Moaning her name. Kissing her scratch marks. Biting her neck. Licking. Hemophilia. Sadism. Masochism. Lips meeting again, tongue caressing. Her hair falling around both our shoulders, covering us from the world.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Not Again.

Your hands moving along my body. My shoulders, my waist, my hips. Tingling spreading limb to limb. Blushing, hoping you don't see. Bodies moving, swaying, pulsing, rhythmic beat. Your breath on my neck, behind my ear. I feel you everywhere. Hands clutching, searching, exploring. Nothing is the same, yet it is all the same. Lips meeting for the first time. Feels so familiar, yet so foreign. Bodies pressing together in passion, then being torn apart by realization. This isn't right. This isn't right. This isn't right. Every beat of our hearts says that. Yet the gravity between us moves us involuntarily. Together. Apart. Together. Apart. Constant magnets being turned. Trying to find the opposite ends but too much alike. Lips locking, hands clutching, clothes falling to the floor. Bodies tumbling. Further. Further into bliss. Deal with the aftermath in the morning. Tonight. I just want you.


In one word, that about sums up my life right now. And I'm just about sick of it being that way. I'm sick of being confused. That's the main thing. The worst feeling in my world is feeling confused. And my body just isn't helping. It shouldn't react the way it does to the things it does. Did that even make sense? I guess it did. Hands touching, heart racing, body tingling. Center. Recenter. Focus. No. Yes. Old conclusions aren't working. New realizations are becoming more and more painful. Wanting to leave one minute, not wanting to leave the next. Needing a break but afraid to do so because it would become permanent. Living in denial of my true self, my true nature, easier than revealing the truth to people whose love is completely conditional. Not wanting to rock the boat, but wanting to be heard for once in my freaking life. Wanting to throw everything away and live impulsively, but being too afraid to do so. Not wanting to stay here, tied down, not living, but too afraid to leave too. What to do. Options spinning in my head, my mind never being able to settle on one. Torn in so many directions, where to go next. Wanting to run, but wanting to break the cycle. How to do both. Empathsizing with my psychotic mother, what have I come to? Understanding the feeling of needing to run, wanting to run more than anything else. To just pick up and leave and go and set down roots somewhere where no one knows me. Then I can be whoever I want, whatever I want. Why am I tied to a place where I shouldn't be, where all I want to do is get away. How do I get away. The world is run by money. I may not like it, but it doesn't mean that I don't have to follow it. What other way is there. So, yes, complicated. Paradoxical. Me.