Friday, October 16, 2009


I sat curled up in the closet, my knees tucked up into my chest and my arms wrapped tightly around them. The more pain I felt, the tighter I clutched my knees to my chest, my fingernails digging into my skin, breaking it, hoping, with my blood, to make the hole stop throbbing, stop hurting, if only for a few minutes, a few seconds. The throb subsided, dulled, but didn’t go away. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks as another aching sob built deep in my chest, threatening to explode any second. The pressure built, higher and higher in my throat, the pain pushing its way to the surface, looking for a way out. My stomach tightened and convulsed as the sob broke surface, screaming out of my chest like a freight train, allowing the whole world to be privy to my most private pain, privy to the anguish that comes from losing something so dear to you that, when it goes, it takes a piece of your soul, and all of your heart, with it. As the last of my air escaped, my sob turned into a soft, pathetic whimper, like that of a dog sitting at the door when her Master leaves. Depleted of that life-giving substance, oxygen, my body and mind did that automatic thing: breathing. Air ripped through my mouth and down to my lungs, digging its wicked claws into the walls of my throat its entire way. A soft inward whine echoed up from the abyss of my chest just before my lungs were again filled to capacity and another sob burst forth, screaming my agony to the dark walls of the closet I had sheltered myself in.

Eventually, like always, numbness came. It worked its way up through my limbs, a sweet coolness working its way through my burning body. It started in my toes and feet, the furthest and therefore already dullest part of me. Its icy fingers began to massage their way up my ankles and calves next, pausing at my knees to work through the weakness there. I began to feel it work its way up my fingers next, cooling the burn that had been left by her fingers. It followed the paths that she used to trace up my arms, feeling nothing like her fingers’ tender caress. It moved its way up my thighs, chasing the paths her lips used to pursue on their way to my tender core, icing the burns left there. The ice flowed past my elbows, up my biceps, to my shoulders, still following her lips. Up my stomach and abs, along my ribs, over my breasts, it searched out the heart that was no longer there. Its icy fingers took a firm hold of my chest and continued their ascent, up my neck and along my chin, gently caressing my cheeks, my nose, playing gently through my hair. And finally, the face, her face, that had been haunting me since I’d stepped into that closet, was frosted over and replaced with the grey haze that meant that I was able to unwrap my arms from around my knees and stand again.

I stood, then, and let myself out. I went to stand in front of the sliding glass door. It was sunrise. I’d sat in there another full night, hiding from the memory of her, hiding from her face, from everything that reminded me of her. I sighed and returned my attention to the sunrise. It was ablaze with oranges and reds and yellows, fire working its way across the sky, flames dancing in the sunrise clouds, heralding a new day. The light was streaming in through the windows, the hopeful light of yet another day. A soft breeze was playing through the aspens that were planted in strategic locations in the sidewalk five stories below. A woman jogged past, dressed in the typical black spandex sweatpants with white stripes running down the sides, accompanied by a tight tank top that revealed far more of the silicone masses, that her stock-broker husband no doubt paid for with his far-too-large Christmas bonus, than was truly necessary for a morning jog. His bonus probably paid for that nose-job that she was sporting as well. I wondered briefly why she was running. I was sure that her husband could probably afford liposuction for her. She jogged around the corner, taking my brief distraction with her, and I was left to ponder the sun rising on yet another day.

I looked around my room, seeing and not seeing the faceless picture frames lining the walls, their emptiness a shadowy reflection of my soul. A soft rage suddenly erupted from somewhere deep inside of me and I found myself tearing the empty frames from their perches upon the wall. Her face stared up at me from the empty, shattered glass that littered the floor. Her eyes haunted me in my rage as I trampled the broken glass, pulling my hair and screaming at the top of my lungs, wordless screams of anguish. My unclad feet began to drip blood onto the glass, hiding the green that was staring up at me, making her flee from the pools of glass that lay strewn upon the floor.

I turned my attention back to the sunrise. Opening the door, I stepped out onto the balcony. A sunrise this beautiful might have once moved me to tears, but the numbness was as paralyzing as it was relieving. All and any emotion was gone. My life was devoid of meaning now. I climbed onto the railing and steadied myself. I waited for the nausea and vertigo that normally came with heights to come, but it didn’t. I looked down, gazing at the sidewalk five stories below. The wind swept up, catching my hair in its grasp, and making me wonder for the first time what it would be like to fly. I spread my arms, my wings, and allowed the warm morning breeze to wash over them. It had a warming effect on my numb body, breaking the ice that had just recently formed all over my body. Her face came back into focus, obscuring the view of the street and the sidewalk below.

My mind, so tattered and torn with grief, brought me back to our last morning together. We had been up most of the night before, making love, our bodies moving in perfect synchronicity throughout the night until they had finally arched in climax together leaving us sleeping peacefully in each others’ arms. Somehow, we’d still woken up with the sunrise, a blazing red and orange one, much like the one that I was staring at now. She had looked at me with a passionate fire burning in her eyes, softened by a tenderness in her cheeks, and told me that she loved me, that she wanted to stay with me forever. Our fingers entwined, I looked in her eyes and told her that nothing would make me happier. Our lips met then, our tongues entwining and our pulses racing as our bodies moved as one.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, finally allowing myself to succumb to my memories, the happy ones she and I had made during our time together. I held onto them, allowing them to cushion me as only her love could.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

The Strongest Element

A flickering Flame
Dances peacefully
Carving her delicate path
Through the walls of trees.
Scorching the grass
'Til it's black as night.
Destroying all that the Earth lays out before her.
For the mission of Fire
Is but to destroy Earth.
Her dance starts out
A peacefully slow waltz.
Structured, measured, predictable.
The Wind, the orchestra
For her ballet
The gentle voices
Singing and guiding
The rhythmic steps
She dances so expertly.
A crescendo and the tempo increases
The Wind swirling around her now.

Her steps quickening
A moderate tango now.
Underbrush laid bare
Charred, broken, smoldering.
The Earth's children begin
To sense the danger.
More real now with the tango
Than before
Another gust of Wind
The horns fire up
The percussion section
Kicks it into a higher gear
Fire begins to steps faster

Twirling, spinning
A quick, heart-pounding salsa now.
Trees fall before she even
Reaches them
Their great limbs kneeling
Before the power they
All know she possesses
Crackling, roaring, through the lands
She dances
Methodically destroying the Earth
Her nemesis
And then
The orchestra of her brother, the Wind

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

She pauses to see why
A mighty waterfall
Cascades gracefully
Into a shining, shimmering pool
Hundreds of feet below
Fire's steps slow
To a slow, weaving pattern
A more primal, tribal sway
She dances along the shores
Gazing upon the beauty
Of the ne'er-before-seen wonder
The spray from the gracefully falling water
Begins to gently caress
The Fire's reaching, grasping fingertips.

Fire's heart is cooled, calmed, soothed.
Her sway becomes even slower
As the calm overtakes her.
The orchestra begins again softly,
A gentle piano melody,
Accompanied by a soft harmony
Of violin and harp.
The new song is soft
A gentle lullaby
As Fire forgets her mission,
Enticed and lured to complete
Submission at the Water's edge.
She dances calmly for her Mistress,
Leaving for a moment
Her nemesis

The cascading falls
Wind their way through the pool
And continue along their path,
Carving out greater chucks of Earth
Than Fire ever dared imagine
Was possible.

Monday, October 5, 2009


Pain, spreading, seeping
All throughout my body
A dull ache rises
Becomes something more
Whips lashing, teeth biting
A scream pierces through the
Still night air
Hands bound
No way to stop it
Skin turning red
Blood vessels bursting
Black and blue
Are only two of the colors
Purple, red, gray, pink
Perfect belt lines
A tiger striped for all to see
A sudden stop
Belt replaced by lips, hands, hairs
Trailing along my back
Soft kisses, gentle blowing
Soothes the burning ache

My Religion

Worship, praise
My soul searching for the right answer
Black and white
Hot and cold
I gaze upon the Water
Shimmering, clear
Cool and life-giving
The Air, the Wind
Blows around me
I feel my spirit lift
The Earth beneath my feet
Gives me grounding
Something to hold on to
The Flame, flickering
Warms my soul
Her face between my hands
Fuels the passion within my heart
This is my divine
This is my religion.