Complicated

In one word, that about sums up my life right now. And I'm just about sick of it being that way. I'm sick of being confused. That's the main thing. The worst feeling in my world is feeling confused. And my body just isn't helping. It shouldn't react the way it does to the things it does. Did that even make sense? I guess it did. Hands touching, heart racing, body tingling. Center. Recenter. Focus. No. Yes. Old conclusions aren't working. New realizations are becoming more and more painful. Wanting to leave one minute, not wanting to leave the next. Needing a break but afraid to do so because it would become permanent. Living in denial of my true self, my true nature, easier than revealing the truth to people whose love is completely conditional. Not wanting to rock the boat, but wanting to be heard for once in my freaking life. Wanting to throw everything away and live impulsively, but being too afraid to do so. Not wanting to stay here, tied down, not living, but too afraid to leave too. What to do. Options spinning in my head, my mind never being able to settle on one. Torn in so many directions, where to go next. Wanting to run, but wanting to break the cycle. How to do both. Empathsizing with my psychotic mother, what have I come to? Understanding the feeling of needing to run, wanting to run more than anything else. To just pick up and leave and go and set down roots somewhere where no one knows me. Then I can be whoever I want, whatever I want. Why am I tied to a place where I shouldn't be, where all I want to do is get away. How do I get away. The world is run by money. I may not like it, but it doesn't mean that I don't have to follow it. What other way is there. So, yes, complicated. Paradoxical. Me.