Nightmare

You walking away
The image is haunting me
Burned into the backs
Of my eyes
Can't escape it
You looked back once
And then kept walking away
My worst nightmare realized.
Don't let yourself fall.
Don't open yourself to pain
Trying to close the door
Too much pressing against it
So easy to hate
So easy to love
I have to escape
This hold on me
A pitbull's jaw
Not easily broken.
But still fighting
To keep my head above water.

A Fitting Analogy

Like a drug
I crave you
The intoxicating effects of your touch
Take me to places yet unknown.
Like any drug
A tolerance will be built
And the cravings will become more
A deep yearning
A desire so filling
It controls me
Much like you do.
It makes me do things
I wouldnn't normally do
Liquid courage, they call it
I'll say
No better name for it
The courage to live without regret
That's what it offered me
Glad I finally accepted
No turning back now
No turning back.

The Beast Unleashed

Silence pressing around us
Not awkward, just peaceful
It all seemed like a good ide at the time.
The poison seeping through my veins
Makes it seem safe for the beast to be
Released. No thought of how to recapture
Her once she is loose.Just the thought of allowing her
To roam free, to wreak devastation
To leave her wake among the living
Blood, teeth, nails, tongues.
The cage open
The pent up animal running wild
So many years of oppression
To be set loose upon a friend
Carnal passions soaring
Animal instinct taking control
Take what isn't yours
Submit to the Mistress
Desire is all that matters,
Why not submit?
Why keep fighting
Last remnants of self control
Slipping quickly away.
Bodies moving as one,
The beast wreaking her havoc on the land
Chasing after her half heartedly
After all, who wants to stop the beast
She's too beautiful to keep locked away.
Her body entices all
The absolute carnal calling from the shadows of a society that doesn't embrace pleasure
Let alone pleasure derived from pain.
Stop. Stop. Stop.
I call desperately, knowing the effects of this will be felt for long
But the beast is in her element now.
There is no stopping her.
How to lock her away again,
How to repress the feelings that have been stirring under the surface for too long.
It's easy to say the poison made me do it
But what happens when the poison is out of my system

Coming Out

The collective "they" say it's a lifelong process. I'm only just beginning to understand what this means. Everyday I think of another person, another two people, another group of people that I haven't told.

I have to keep reminding myself that this will all be worth it. When the tears come, I let them flow. But sometimes, I still find myself swallowing them, fighting them back. I try to be strong for the people who can't handle this. I still have so many fears, so many people that don't know, so many people that might hurt me when they find out.

I try to stand tall. I try to keep walking forward. But with each step comes so much pain that it nearly brings me to my knees. Going numb seems like a good option. Wake me up when all of this is over.

Ellohcin

Another face. Hers resembles mine so much I wish for nothing more than to smack it away. Her dull gray eyes mirroring mine, shape, color, all things match. I've run from this face my entire life, trying to hide my own likeness to it. Cutting my hair. Gaining weight. Caking on the makeup. All to no avail. Her eyes are my eyes. Her mouth is my mouth. Two shaky steps back, running from myself. Mirrors everywhere, her face in each one. Go away. I scream. Leave me alone. I want nothing more of you. You never wanted me. I reminded you of him. I reminded him of you. Neither parent wanting the child for the features of the other. Running from you my entire life, I face you now. Boldness. Courage. Certainty. It's myself in you that I have been running from. Not wanting to admit how much like you I am. Stumbling along the road to self discovery. Making huge mistakes. Trying to correct them. Unsuccessful. My own fear keeping me rooted to the spot. Trying to run with leaden feet. How to get away. How to get away. Come to me my daughter. She calls my name. Ellohcin. Ellohcin. Ellohcin. Where have you gone my Ellohcin. Come to me. Let me help. Her hair sways around me in the wind, wrapping me in its familiar scent. White sage purifies. Smudge sticks. Secrets pouring. Sweet escape.

A Burden. A Curse

Empathy. A curse. A burden somehow mine to bear. Photographic memory. The look of pain burned into my mind. To feel what everyone else around you is feeling and to worry more about them than about yourself. To never be able to forget. To not be able to escape. There must be some way, some way out of the darkness. A face, beautiful, beckoning. Hope. Light. Reaching, not being able to touch. Falling. Falling. Falling. Forever down. Forever stuck.

Always Running

The things we want the most are most often the things we cannot have. Learning this has been a long and hard journey for me. I tend to do this more often than not. Forbidden, taboo, banned, off-limits, impermissible, unattainable. These are the words I most often try to disprove. Putting restrictions on things make me want to break free. My own natural rebellion, fighting against everything that tries to hold me down.
Wings spreading, wind whipping, freedom calling. Running. Running. Running. Get away. Fight or flight. Fight or flight. Freeze, a third option is presented. Two is more than enough. A third had to be thrown in to complicate things further. Get out. Get out. Get out. Everything within me screams. Now. Now. NOW. Before it hurts even more.
Her face in front of me, coaxing me forward. Taunting. Teasing. I reach for her, taking her by the waist, pulling her close. Foreheads, noses, lips meet. Bodies pressed together, pulsing, grinding. Wanting. Needing. There is little difference anymore. Pushing away. Pulling back together. Pushing away. Pulling back together. The two halves of myself fighting for dominance. Ignoring the inner battle, I fight to stay in the moment. Kissing, licking, clutching, scratching. Sadism. Masochism. Pain. Pleasure. Blood. Moaning. Biting. Her clothes falling to the floor, mine following close behind. Ripped, torn from each others' bodies. Rushing to be free from the oppression of clothes. Our bodies press together, naked, exposed. Red blood running over white skin, making it whiter still. Sweet sweat, blood smeered. Pleasure derived from pain. Moaning her name. Kissing her scratch marks. Biting her neck. Licking. Hemophilia. Sadism. Masochism. Lips meeting again, tongue caressing. Her hair falling around both our shoulders, covering us from the world.